1 note

I can’t figure out what’s holding me back. I know everything I need to know, but I don’t put any of it into motion. I make a million excuses….
And she would totally just cut to the heart of whatever this is and help me snap out of it.
meh :/
9 more classes. 9 more final exams. Until I finally have my Bachelor’s degree. And it will have taken me 10 years and $140,000 to finish it.
And thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.
I’m still just as confused as I was at 18. And all this time and money will have been spent on what can ultimately only be described as a “Plan B”. And if I’d spent $140,000 towards the life I really want (‘Plan A’)… I’d probably have it.
I’m not saying the degree isn’t worth it. I think Higher Ed is important - pivotal even. Not necessarily for career ambitions (though that is the primary benefit) but more so for personal growth and development and exploration of life. I am happy that I’m in school. I’m happy I have 9 more final exams. And I will be happy to walk across the stage a year from now, at the age of 28, and finally get that piece of paper.
But it’s really bittersweet. You hope, and try, to study something relevant to your life plans… but even with careful planning and strategic decisions, life’s path curves in mysterious, unpredictable ways, and at 18 - or 28 even - there’s no way to know what’s ‘relevant’ to your life plans.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand the reasons why certain things don’t happen. There’s a lot I don’t understand. A lot of answers I wish I had. I guess that’s what faith is really about. Answering the questions you can, and trusting that the answers you don’t have, or can’t find, aren’t meant to be found.
On one hand, if I was meant to be doing ‘Plan A’, I reckon I’d be doing it right now. On the other hand, the things we want in life don’t just happen because they’re meant to happen. Things don’t just appear out of thin air. If you’re meant to have a Maserati, for example, it doesn’t just show up in your driveway one morning. You work for it. You earn it. Fate is only as strong as our own persistence and drive. You have to set things in motion. And what did I set in motion for ‘Plan A’? Not much of anything…
I am the only thing standing between me and everything I want.
I have to remind myself to get out of my own way.
bfast: 5 egg whites, 1 whole egg, 1 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup un-sweetened all natural gluten free oatmeal with flax and chia.
lunch: 1 cup broccoli, 4oz clean chicken breast, 1/2 cup brown rice
reminding myself that I’ve done this before, I can do it again, and that it’s just 21 days to create good habits & break bad ones.
The only thing standing between me and what I want, is me.
Day 1 of No Sugar is almost done.
No sugar. No fruit. Nothing sweetened of any kind.
I’m doing this for 2 weeks. Then I’ll reintroduce some fruits (probably just berries and apples).
I have 1 week left of classes. Then I’m back to Nashville for 10 days, then I move on campus for my summer job. I’ll be preparing all my food for each week at home and keeping it on campus. I’m really looking forward to living on campus because I’ll be a 2 minute walk from the gym and one of the guys I’ll be working with this summer is built. He’s in the gym all the time and I already told him he’s required to drag my butt to the gym every time he goes.
I know everything I need to know about fitness and nutrition, I just have to DO it. So the first 2 weeks in the gym will be weights only and then I’ll be doing a lot of walking around campus and I’m going to get a bike. The next 3 weeks I’ll introduce moderate cardio (30 minutes max and not every day). I’ll see what kindof results I have at that point and increase my cardio if necessary.
I’ve fallen off track a million times. But my life the past 6 months has been nothing but bullshit and I’m over it.
Nothing comes before me anymore. Not the bf, not my sorority sisters, not my job… In the end, all I have is myself anyway so I might as well focus on being comfortable in my own skin.